Masculine Sexuality: What Gets Overlooked ? The Good Men Project

Dr. Ley argues that the oft-blamed trope of ?sex addiction? isn?t real.

Almost anywhere you turn these days, if a man?s sexuality is news, it is usually news in a bad way. In the media, when a man gets in trouble for making bad decisions around sex, he is invariably called a sex addict. Between 85 and 95% of all so-called sex addicts are men. I don?t believe that sex addiction is real, and in fact, I call it a myth. But more than that, I believe that the concept of sex addiction represents an attack on male sexuality. Not only are almost all supposed sex addicts male, but all of the allegedly addictive sexual behaviors are behaviors that are predominantly engaged in by men. These behaviors include masturbation, use of pornography, prostitutes or sexual entertainment like strip clubs. Promiscuity, sex without commitment, and use of sex to manage stress or tension are also things that are frequently a part of male sexuality, whether we like it or not. But, male sexuality is not a disease, it is not evil, and it does not overpower men?s lives and choices.

In sex addiction, there is a common perception of male sexuality as intrinsi?cally selfish, as overly focused on ?scoring? and sexual conquests, on anonymous, ?soulless? sex, and on the outward manifestations of virility. ?But there are other, neglected sides of male sexuality. Men are actually far more focused upon women?s needs, and upon closeness with women, than we give them credit for. Nancy Friday wrote that ?Men?s love of women is often greater than their love of self.? Men give up friends and male camaraderie and accept a life of economic support of women, even leading up to an earlier death, all in order to be with women. More than half of all men describe that their best sexual encounters came when they ?gave a woman physical pleasure beyond her dreams.? Men redi?rect their selfishness away from their own satisfaction, and toward a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment, by giving sexual satisfaction. Male sexuality often involves an intense focus on the needs of their partners, and men gain great pleasure, even a strong sense of manliness, from giving their lover sexual pleasure.

In fact, men?s desire to sexually satisfy their partners comes at the price of their own satisfaction. When a man is unable to make his partner orgasm, many men report incredible frustration, disappointment, and self-doubt. Women even complain that men put so much pressure and intent upon helping the woman achieve orgasm that the act ceases to be pleasurable and starts to feel more like childbirth. In such cases, women fake orgasms, not for themselves, but to satisfy their partner?s needs. Until a woman has an orgasm, a man doesn?t think he?s done his job, and his masculinity hangs in the balance.

Men are taught from a young age that they must be sexually competent and sexually powerful with exaggerated and impossible ideals. Surveys of sex in America find that, compared to women, men are far more insecure and anxious about their sexual performance. Nearly 30 percent of men fear that they ejaculate too soon, and one man in every six reports significant feelings of anxiety about his sexual abilities to satisfy his partner. These are huge burdens that men carry, and are just one reason why many men pursue other forms of sex.

Recent sociological research found that men actually experience greater pain than women from the ups and downs of romantic relationships. These researchers found that not only did the negative aspects of a romantic relationship hurt men more than women, but the positive aspects and benefits of that relationship also have greater impact upon the man than the woman. Because women are better able to access outside support from friends and family, they often fare better than men, who are typically isolated, burdened with the expectation that they shouldn?t feel pain, or if they do, they must suffer alone.

For men, physical affection and sex is one of the main ways we feel loved, accepted, and regarded. For many men, it is only through physical love that we can voice tenderness and express our desire for togetherness and physical bonding. Only in sex can we let down boundaries and drop our armor enough to be emotionally vulnerable.

Sex plays an even greater role in the lives of men as a form of acceptance and mutual regard than it does for women. Women touch each other all the time, with hugs, holding hands, closer body contact, and smaller ?personal space.? Men shake hands. Really good friends might, at best, punch each other in a loving way, do a careful ?man hug,? or even swat each other?s buttocks, if it?s during an approved masculine sporting event. So the body-to-body contact that sex offers feeds an appetite, a craving, one that is often starved near to death in men.

Everybody today seems to accept that men seek sexual variety, and that this is ?just the way men are.? This concept originates in evolution?ary theory, where the argument goes that men seek to spread their sperm far and wide, with as many women as possible, in order to reproduce as much as possible. In contrast, women are generally disposed to seek out ?quality? in their mates, rather than quantity, given that it is a lot more work for a woman to reproduce than for a man.

But most people don?t know the rest of the story. The fact that men masturbate more than women and pursue activities like pornography, prostitutes and strippers are all ways that men express that sexual drive for variety without having to invest the enormous time and resources needed to meet the approval qualifications of most women. There are other, more subtle side-effects as well, such as the fact that men tend, on average, to be larger than women. This is a downstream effect of evolutionary pressure, as a larger size helps a man secure more mates and fight off competitors. But another consequence of this is seen in the many men who die in their youth from doing unbelievably stupid, risky things (the show Jackass comes to mind), as well as the fact that men die, on aver?age, at least ten years before most women. These risky behaviors represent high-risk, high-payout reproductive wagers by the forces of genetics, where successful men gain the opportunity for reproduction, and successful genes are passed on.

Within the sex addiction model, there is intent to ?separate the behavior from the person,? and to split men from their sexual desires. Male sexuality is portrayed as something that men must guard against, and describe it as though it is a demonic force, lurking within our souls, which must be constrained, feared and even rejected. Men are portrayed as powerless to control themselves, in the face of sexual arousal that is too strong. As a result, men are told to be ashamed of the sexual desires that society and sex addiction theory has called unhealthy. But an essential part of man is lost when we encourage men to split them?selves from their sexuality.

Unfortunately, as we teach men to be men, to understand, accept, and express their masculinity, we rarely attend adequately to the loving, nurturing, and amo?rous side of men. The most positive way that society and media currently portray male sexuality is when it is depicted as bumbling and stupid-making, a force that turns men into fools, easily led by our penises. But more often, male sexuality is depicted as a force that hovers just on the edge of rape, rage and destruction. The sex addiction myth argues that healthy men must reject many parts of male sexuality, such as our desire for non-intimate sex, our use of sex to meet personal needs, even our view of sex as fun and exciting.

I disagree. What is necessary for a healthy man, for a complete masculinity, is the in?tegration, consolidation, and incorporation of these aspects. When we try to split off our desires for love and sex from ourselves, excising them from ourselves as something external and dangerous, we run the real risk of creat?ing men without compassion, without tenderness, and without the ability to nurture. It is easy to suggest that what we are trying to excise are the base, primitive parts of men?s eroticism, those desires to rape, dominate, and sat?isfy oneself selfishly, but in truth, those desires, as frightening as they can be, are integrally linked to male emotional desires for safety, acceptance, and belonging.

Those things that make men admired and respected?their strength, courage, independence, and assertiveness?are the same things that contribute to the differences in male and female sexuality. By condemning these characteristics, we run the real and frightening risk of abolishing qualities that are essential to healthy masculinity.

A healthy sexual male is one who accepts and understands his erotic and sexual desires, along with his drive for success, dominance and excellence. Healthy sexual choices come from internal acceptance and awareness, not rejection and shame. Research has shown that all men have the ability to exercise control over their levels of sexual arousal and sexual behavior, but no men can fully suppress their sexual desire. Healthy men can be men who go to strip clubs, visit prostitutes and watch pornography. They are men who make conscious choices, accepting the consequences of their actions.

Wilt Chamberlain was famously promiscuous, bedding thousands of women across his career and life. A shy, excluded kid, Wilt grew into a star. But he never chose to marry, making the conscious choice that promiscuity was important to him, and that he could not ethically commit to a single woman. Though he slept with many more women than any of the alleged sex addicts we hear about, Wilt was never called a sex addict, because his sexual choices were part of him, part of who he was, as a man. This is, I think, the goal for all men ? to make their sexual choices an integrated part of who they are, and the kind of man they desire to be.

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Photo?william.neuheisel/Flickr

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